"... we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic/addict is still drinking/using or not."

The first time a friend or family member of an alcohlic/addict hears these words -- read at the opening of virtually every "Overcomers Outreach" meeting -- they seem too good to be true.

For many who have spent years living with the progressive disease of alcoholism/addiction and tried everything possible to keep the situation from growing worse, the thought that finding happiness while the drinking/using continues seems inconceivable.

Chances are happiness seems like an unrealistic goal, something that only make-believe families on television shows have. For the alcoholic/addict's family reality can become one crisis after another. Pain, heartache, agony, stress, pressure, and emotional turmoil, we've got -- but happiness?

But those who hang around "Overcomers Outreach" long enough find out that the opening statement can become reality in their own lives and in their own homes. One of the keys to that reality is detachment.

****As the literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism/addiction can have upon our lives."

Many times the family members find that they have become just as obsessed -- and perhaps even more -- with the alcoholic's/addict's behavior than the alcoholic/addict is with the drink. The "Overcomers Outreach" program teaches us to "put the focus on ourselves" and not on the alcoholic/addict, or anyone else.

If we put the focus on ourselves, we will no longer be in the position to:

• Suffer because of the actions and reaction of others.

• Allow us to be used or abused by others.

• Do for others what they could do for themselves.

• Manipulate situations so others will eat, sleep, get up, pay bills and not drink.

• Cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds.

• Create a crisis.

• Prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.

Has it helped? "Overcomers Outreach" members learn that no individual is responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. The simple answer to what to do about the alcoholic/addict: "Let go, and let God."

As they say in the program, "It's simple, but it ain't easy." But you do not have to do it alone. There's probably an "Overcomers Outreach" support family meeting nearby where you will find people who understand as few others can. They have been there, and by sharing their experience, strength and hope, help others to find their own path to serenity.

"As a kid I was like a miniature adult. I cooked and cleaned and made sure my little brothers got off to school. My Mom was always depressed and stayed in bed -- she was in the hospital a lot. I guess I never really was a kid. Now, I work hard to get A's, take on lots of responsibility, put on this competent front. Inside I still feel really empty."

"My dad's an alcoholic. I was always afraid to invite other kids over because I didn't want them to see what my family was like. I never really got close to people, now I don't seem to know how to let others get close. I really don't know how to have a good relationship. Most of the time I feel pretty alone."

"My parents have always had these big ambitions for me. They tell me what my career should be, who my friends should be, what kind of car I should drive, and who I should date. it's like they expect me to be perfect but don't really believe I can blow my own nose. I feel like I'm suffocating, but if I get the least bit independent they try to control me with money."

When problems and circumstances such as parental alcoholism, mental illness, child abuse, or extreme parental rigidity and control interfere with family functioning, the effects on children can sometimes linger long after these children have grown up and left their problem families. Adults raised in dysfunctional families frequently report difficulties forming and maintaining intimate relationships, maintaining positive self-esteem, and trusting others; they fear a loss of control, and deny their feelings and reality.

This page will help you understand and recognize family dysfunction and its effects, provide some strategies to help overcome these effects, and list some resources for further help.

Family dysfunction can be any condition that interferes with healthy family functioning. Most families have some periods of time where functioning is impaired by stressful circumstances (death in the family, a parent's serious illness, etc.). Healthy families tend to return to normal functioning after the crisis passes. In dysfunctional families, however, problems tend to be chronic and children do not consistently get their needs met. Negative patterns of parental behavior tend to be dominant in their children's lives.

How Do Healthy Families Work?

Healthy families are not perfect; they may have yelling, bickering, misunderstanding, tension, hurt, and anger - but not all the time. In healthy families emotional expression is allowed and accepted. Family members can freely ask for and give attention. Rules tend to be made explicit and remain consistent, but with some flexibility to adapt to individual needs and particular situations. Healthy families allow for individuality; each member is encouraged to pursue his or her own interests, and boundaries between individuals are honored.

Children are consistently treated with respect, and do not fear emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Parents can be counted on to provide care for their children. Children are given responsibilities appropriate to their age and are not expected to take on parental responsibilities. Finally, in healthy families everyone makes mistakes; mistakes are allowed. Perfection is unattainable, unrealistic, and potentially dull and sterile.

There are many types of dysfunction in families. Some parents under-function, leaving their children to fend for themselves. Other parents over-function, never allowing their children to grow up and be on their own. Others are inconsistent or violate basic boundaries of appropriate behavior. Below is a brief description of some types of parental dysfunction along with some common problems associated with each.

Deficient Parents

Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood.

Controlling Parents

Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty.

Alcoholic Parents

Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics.

Abusive Parents

Abuse can be verbal, physical, or sexual. Verbal abuse - such as frequent belittling criticism - can have lasting effects, particularly when it comes from those entrusted with the child's care. Criticism can be aimed at the child's looks, intelligence, capabilities, or basic value. Some verbal abusers are very direct, while others use subtle put-downs disguised as humor. Both types are just as damaging.

Definitions of physical abuse vary widely. Many parents, at one time or another, have felt the urge to strike their child. With physically abusive parents, however, the urge is frequent and little effort is made to control this impulse. The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act defines physical abuse as "the infliction of physical injuries such as bruises, burns, welts, cuts, bone or skull fractures; these are caused by kicking, punching, biting, beating, knifing, strapping, paddling, etc."

Striking a child has much to do with meeting the parent's emotional needs and nothing to do with concern for the child; parents often erroneously justify the abuse as "discipline" intended to "help" the child. Physically abusive parents can create an environment of terror for the child, particularly since violence is often random and unpredictable. Abused children often feel anger. Children of abusive parents have tremendous difficulties developing feelings of trust and safety even in their adult lives.

While parents may justify or rationalize verbal or physical abuse as discipline aimed at somehow helping the child, there is no rationalization for sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is the most blatant example of an adult abusing a child purely for that adult's own gratification.

Sexual abuse can be any physical contact between an adult and child where that contact must be kept secret. Demonstrations of affection -- such as hugging, kissing, or stroking a child's hair -- that can be done openly are quite acceptable and even beneficial. When physical contact is shrouded in secrecy then it is most likely inappropriate.

Sexual abuse happens to both boys and girls. It is perpetrated by both men and women. It cuts across lines of race, socioeconomic level, education level, and religious affiliation. In most cases, sexual abuse is part of an overall family pattern of dysfunction, disorganization, and inappropriate role boundaries.

Responsibility for sexual abuse in all cases rests entirely with the adult. No child is responsible for being abused. Most sexually abused children are too frightened of the consequences for themselves and their families to risk telling another adult what is happening. As a result they grow into adulthood carrying feelings of self-loathing, shame, and worthlessness. They tend to be self-punishing and have considerable difficulties with relationships and with sexuality.

Regardless of the kind of dysfunction or abuse, effects vary widely across individuals. Support from other healthy adults, success in other areas, or positive changes in the family can help prevent or minimize negative effects. The following questions may help you identify how you may have been or continue to be affected.

Adults raised with family dysfunction report a variety of long-term effects. The following questions may help you assess your own situation. Answering "Yes" to these may indicate some effects from family dysfunction. Most people could likely identify with some of them. If you find yourself answering "Yes" to over half of them, you likely have some long-term effects of living in a dysfunctional family. If you find yourself answering "Yes" to the majority of them you might consider seeking some additional help.

1. Do you find yourself needing approval from others to feel good about yourself? Yes_____ No_____

2. Do you agree to do more for others than you can comfortably accomplish? Yes_____ No_____

3. Are you perfectionistic? Yes_____ No_____

4. Or do you tend to avoid or ignore responsibilities? Yes_____ No_____

5. Do you find it difficult to identify what you're feeling? Yes_____ No_____

6. Do you find it difficult to express feelings? Yes_____ No_____

7. Do you tend to think in all-or-nothing terms? Yes_____ No_____

8. Do you often feel lonely even in the presence of others? Yes_____ No_____

9. Is it difficult for you to ask for what you need from others? Yes_____ No_____

10. Is it difficult for you to maintain intimate relationships? Yes_____ No_____

11. Do you find it difficult to trust others? Yes_____ No_____

12. Do you tend to hang on to hurtful or destructive relationships? Yes_____ No_____

13. Are you more aware of others' needs and feelings than your own? Yes_____ No_____

14. Do you find it particularly difficult to deal with anger or criticism? Yes_____ No_____

15. Is it hard for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Yes_____ No_____

16. Do you find yourself feeling like a "fake" in your academic or professional life? Yes_____ No_____

17. Do you find yourself waiting for disaster to strike even when things are going well in your life?
Yes_____ No_____

18. Do you find yourself having difficulty with authority figures? Yes_____ No_____

Regardless of the source of dysfunction, you have survived. You have likely developed a number of valuable skills to get you through tough circumstances.

Consequently, it is important to first stop and take stock. You may find that much of what you learned in your family is valuable.

Many of the survival behaviors you developed are your best assets. For example, people who grow up in dysfunctional families often have finely tuned empathy for others; they are often very achievement-oriented and highly successful in some areas of their lives; they are often resilient to stress and adaptive to change. In examining changes you may want to make in yourself, it is important not to lose sight of your good qualities.

Patience is necessary! Negative effects from growing up in dysfunctional families often stem from survival behaviors that were very helpful when you were growing up, but may become problematic in your adult life. Remember that you spent years learning and practicing your old survival skills, so it may take awhile to learn and practice new behaviors.

1. Get Help.
In most dysfunctional families children tend to learn to doubt their own intuition and emotional reactions. Often outside support provides an objective perspective and much-needed affirmation which will help you learn to trust your own reactions. Help or support can take many forms: individual counseling, therapy groups such as Survivors of Incest or Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (ACODF), and self-help groups such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), Alanon, or Codependents Anonymous (CODA). Kansas State University Counseling Services offers a variety of therapy groups each semester.

2. Learn to Identify and Express Emotions.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family often results in an exaggerated attention to others' feelings and a denial of your own feelings and experiences. While this often results in very good sensitivity to others, you may have neglected sensitivity to yourself. Stop each day and identify emotions you are or have been experiencing. What triggered them? How might you affirm or respond to them? Try keeping a daily feelings journal.

Be selective in sharing your feelings with others. You may not find it helpful to share all of your feelings. In sharing your feelings with others take small risks first, then wait for a reaction. If the responses seem supportive and affirming try taking some larger risks.

3. Allow Yourself to Feel Angry About What Happened.
Forgiveness is a very reasonable last step in recovery, but it is a horrible first step. Children need to believe in and trust their parents; therefore, when parents behave badly, children tend to blame themselves and feel responsible for their parents' mistakes. These faulty conclusions are carried into adulthood, often leaving guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. When you begin with trying to forgive your parents you will likely continue to feel very badly about yourself.

Placing the responsibility for what happened during your childhood where it belongs, i.e., with the responsible adults, allows you to feel less guilt and shame and more nurturance and acceptance toward yourself.

It is usually helpful to find productive ways to vent your anger. This can be done in support groups or with good friends. Try writing a letter to one or both of your parents and then burning the letter. You may want to talk with your parents directly about what happened.

If you decide to do this it is important to keep your goal clear. Do you want to encourage change and work for a better relationship, or are you trying to get even or hurt them back? Pursuing revenge frequently results in more guilt and shame in the long run. Holding on to anger and resentment indefinitely is also problematic and self-defeating. Focusing on old resentments can prevent growth and change.

4. Begin the Work of Learning to Trust Others.
Take small risks at first in letting others know you. Slowly build up to taking bigger risks. Learning who to trust and how much to trust is a lengthy process. Adult children from dysfunctional families tend to approach relationships in an all-or-nothing manner. Either they become very intimate and dependent in a relationship, or they insist on nearly complete self-sufficiency, taking few interpersonal risks. Both of these patterns tend to be self-defeating.

Frequently, children of dysfunctional families continue to seek approval and acceptance from their parents and families. If these people could not meet your needs when you were a child, they are unlikely to meet your needs now. Recognize your parents' limitations while still accepting whatever support they can offer. Seek your support from other adults. Practice saying how you feel and asking for what you need. Don't expect people to guess -- tell them. This step will likely require much effort.

5. Practice Taking Good Care of Yourself.
Frequently, survivors of dysfunctional families have an exaggerated sense of responsibility. They tend to overwork and forget to take care of themselves. Try identifying the things you really enjoy doing, then give yourself permission to do at least one of these per day. Work on balancing the things you should do with the things you want to do. Balance is a key word for people who've grown up in dysfunctional families.

Identify areas you tend to approach compulsively: Drinking? Eating? Shopping? Working? Exercising? How might you approach this in a more balanced fashion? One of the best things you can do for your mental and emotional well being is to take good physical care of yourself. Do you eat a good healthy balanced diet? Do you get regular exercise?

6. Begin to Change Your Relationships with Your Family.
Keep the focus on yourself and your behavior and reactions. Remember, you cannot change others, but you can change yourself. Work on avoiding entanglements in your family's problems. Alanon calls this "detachment." Counseling or support is usually crucial when trying to change family relationships. You are fighting a lifetime of training in getting hooked into their problems, usually including large doses of guilt.

It is also important to be patient with your family. They may find it difficult to understand and accept the changes they see in your behavior. While most families can be workable, undoubtedly there are some rare families who are far too dangerous or abusive to risk further contact.

"Enabling":  When Your Helping Is Hurting

"Tough Love":  Choosing to Do What's Best Even When It's Painful

"The Dysfunctional Family":  A Breeding Ground for Codependence

What If the Family Member Has an "Unhealthy" Love Relationship with the Addict?

How Do Men Suffer from Codependence?

A New 12-Step Process of Recovery for Codependency

An Effective Christian Support Group for Codependency

Like thousands of others caught in unhealthy relationships, perhaps, you're finally becoming desperate about the way things are going. Marriage to an alcoholic generates overwhelming emotions that are difficult to admit, even to oneself-anger, resentment, paralyzing fear, self-pity, and confusion. Alcoholic homes breed negative attitudes and behavior, and people and families are destroyed by what goes on there.

But other situations besides alcoholism cause similar feelings of helplessness. Living with an out-of-control child (who may be abusing drugs, sex, or alcohol), a chronically ill or terminally ill family member, a compulsive eater, spender, worker, or gambler, an abuser (physically, emotionally, or sexually), a sex addict, or a mentally disabled relative or close friend can produce the same confusion and despair.

Though some compulsions (like overeating or workaholism) may appear less destructive than alcoholism or drug addiction, people who love the overeater or workaholic can suffer as much damage as those related to alcoholic or addicts. The helplessness feels the same, regardless of the dysfunction.

Some people feel out of control and confused about their lives but can't understand why. Although their lives seem more or less normal, they find themselves overwhelmed when they shouldn't be, angry out of proportion to their experiences, depressed without identifiable reason. The compulsions mentioned above may not be occurring in their lives at the time, yet negative feelings persist.

Perhaps it's because one or more of those compulsive situations existed in their family of origin (the family in which they were raised). The effects are often handed down. Children who grew up in a family environment with addiction, compulsion, or abuse are profoundly affected as adults in ways many don't realize.

The increasing number of people in support organizations like Adult Children of Alcoholics indicates that emotions damaged in childhood don't go away if left unattended-they just go underground. Scenarios from the family of origin often repeat themselves in the adult lives of children who grew up there, despite those children's determination that "It will never happen to me."

One's childhood with an alcoholic, abusive, or emotionally neglectful parent shapes that person's self-image and expectation of "normal" family life. People move unthinkingly toward repeating (and trying to correct) what they have experienced, even when they believe something else would be better for them.

The increase of addiction and compulsivity in today's society has far-reaching and terrible effects. It has brought on an exponential increase in family problems, such as child abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), addiction-induced financial collapse, loss of nurturing for children, loss of intimacy in marriages, pre- and extramarital affairs, and a host of other related difficulties.

But also, an unprecedented number of children have come out of those dysfunctional homes unable to relate to others in healthy ways. Thus the problems of addiction and its inevitable destructive consequences are multiplying at an alarming rate, and the resources for dealing with these problems are often inadequate and ineffective.

ADDICTION IN TODAY'S CHURCH

Where is Christ's Church in all of this? Are addictions and their accompanying demons present in the Church? Does Scripture offer any solutions? Is there hope for those imprisoned by their cravings? What about those in bondage to their addicted loved ones? Can the Church offer a ministry to the addicted un-churched or to its own members trapped in compulsive lifestyles?

Unfortunately, addictions like alcoholism, drug dependency, child abuse, incest, eating disorders, and workaholism afflict Christians as well as non-Christians. Even more unfortunately, the Church often closes its eyes to this reality. Too often Christians won't admit they struggle with behaviors they can't control.

There are reasons for the denial. Sometimes pride gets in the way. Many Christians can't admit they're gripped by a compulsive dependency. They conceal their addictions and maintain a whitewashed "Christian" image to protect their "spiritual" reputation, instead of grappling authentically with the dark side of their soul.

They may fear losing their "witness to the world," not realizing the world needs to see honest strugglers not pious pretenders. Some churches teach that "Christians don't have those kinds of problems," and to admit an addiction casts doubt on one's salvation. Christians often believe God won't love them if they admit to all that's inside of them, so they simply stop looking there.

Unfortunately, we as Christians can't make the problems of addiction and compulsion go away just by refusing to look at them. The power of God is available to help solve our problems, but only if we acknowledge them honestly. Wrong dependencies keep us in bondage, and Jesus waits to set us free, beginning with our admission that we're enslaved.

If believers cannot look at sin?their own and other people's?with honesty, compassion, and a word of hope, who on earth can? The Church must remove its rose-colored glasses and seek to help the addicted-those within as well as those outside its own walls. It's a ministry desperately needed in today's world.

CODEPENDENCE: RELATED TO ADDICTION

But it's not just the addicted that are in bondage and need the Church's help, those connected to the addict by ties of blood or love are affected as well. In the early days of treatment for addiction (the Alcoholics Anonymous movement, begun in the 1930s), it was assumed that once the alcoholic stopped drinking family life would resume its normal course. But that didn't often happen, and eventually it became apparent that alcoholism was a family affair, not just one individual's struggle with a compulsive habit.

Not only did a family suffer from the actions and attitudes of the alcoholic. But also, it was learned that the spouse had developed a recognizable pattern of relating to the alcoholic by continually adjusting to--yet always trying to manage-the alcoholic's behavior, particularly the drinking. Thus, the alcoholic's unhealthy addiction pattern had meshed with the spouse's unhealthy control pattern, and each had fed on and been reinforced by the other.

In addition, the children in that alcoholic home developed their own strategies to adjust to the loss of nurturing from both parents. The roles they played helped the family survive, but in the process the children had to sell out their true selves to maintain the family system. There were more casualties in the war zone of an alcoholic home than was first thought.

With the discovery that the spouse and children played specific and more-or-less predictable roles in supporting the alcoholic in his or her drinking (so that the family would not be destroyed), attention turned toward helping those family members change the negative coping strategies they had learned.

The spouse began to be called co-alcoholic, the person whose pattern enabled the alcoholic to continue an alcoholic lifestyle. Later, when the addiction field broadened to include dependencies in addition to alcohol, the term co-alcoholic changed to co-dependent, designating a person in a close relationship with anyone destructively dependent on any substance or habit.

Thus, the term codependence is related to addiction because most codependents are or have been in a relationship with an addicted or compulsive person. In fact, even the addict is codependent in relationships, a fact that becomes obvious once the substance abuse is stopped. But in recent years codependency has been increasingly viewed as an identifiable, unhealthy compulsion in its own right.

In other words, a codependent person is "addicted," not to a destructive substance, but to a destructive pattern of relating to other people, a pattern usually learned from childhood in an abusive or non-nurturing home. Codependency holds a person hostage to other people's behaviors, moods, or opinions, and the codependent bases his or her worth and actions on someone else's life. It's a terrible bondage.

That explains why, even when an alcoholic or drug abuser got sober or clean, both spouses continued to have relational problems. The destructive patterns of the two partners no longer meshed. Sobriety had been established and the home had become externally less chaotic, but the codependent spouse felt internally more confused and more miserable than ever because the earlier balance, however destructive, had been upset.

In addition, the now-sober spouse struggled with similar self-doubts, confusion, and guilt, because the underlying codependency in the addicted person's life had never been addressed either.

Perhaps a working definition of codependency is in order. No clinical description has been agreed upon in the family-systems or addiction-recovery field, but for purposes of this book, we will operate from the following broad definition, which will be examined in greater detail in following chapters:

Codependence is a self-focused way of life in which a person blind to his or her true self continually reacts to others being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy.

Codependence is a matter of degree. Everyone feels controlled by people and circumstances at times; codependents feel that way most of their lives. Everyone tries to control others to some extent; codependents think they'll die if they lose control. Everyone has blind spots; codependents live in denial about basic realities in their relationships.

Think of a relationship continuum with healthy mutual interdependence at one end and debilitating codependency at the other. We all fall somewhere in between, but people who live in close relationship to alcoholics, drug abusers, workaholics, or other addicted persons occupy the codependent end of the spectrum.

There are no clear-cut indicators of just when a person steps over the line from being non-codependent to being codependent. With pregnancy, either you are, or you aren't; you can't be a little bit pregnant. But a person can be a little bit codependent. However, codependency is also progressive, so the longer a person pursues codependent strategies for dealing with life, the more codependent he or she becomes. Eventually those strategies become an addictive way of life-a person's primary and compulsive method for relating to self and others?and we say of that person, "He (or she) is a codependent."

• I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
• I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
• I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
• I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
• I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
• I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
• I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others